ch ch ch changes

So I'm smack dab in the middle of festival/musical season. The busiest time ever times two. I've take a sabbatical from my church gig which has made this manageable with a one year old. I'm gone Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights and then Wed and Friday afternoons. With my church job I was gone Wed nights and of course Sunday mornings. While I really love singing there, having a slight break has been amazing. I'm going back as soon as the musical is over but just knowing I have one night off during the week has made such a difference for all our sanity. Austin has began coming to work with me some and luckily my students are amazing with sharing the load of him. I thought they would get sick of having him around and having to wait on me to get started because Austin needed something, etc. but it's been exactly the opposite. They have been so sweet and they shower him with attention. I can't get over how lucky I am. 

Well, in the middle of all this crazy, we bought a house. I mean why not? It' not like we don't have enough going on. We were casually looking, just got on an email list. Truth be told, I wasn't really interested in moving. Philip thought it was a good time because house prices were going up, especially in our neighborhood but the whole idea really stressed me out. I thought we would see some things, get tired of it, and stay put. Well exactly the opposite happened. We looked at some houses, found "the one" and bought it within a week of it going on the market. Awesome. Now we have a list from our realtor a mile long to get done by the time our musical opens. In a totally unrelated question, who knows where ONE can acquire percocet? Never had it, but I know a friend who wants to try it. 

Anyway, we move next week. I can't tell you how lucky I feel, excited, etc. but I must admit I'm pretty blasted sad too. I realize this is such a first world problem so just stop reading here if you're looking for some come from nothing story because this isn't it. I love our house. I feel like we've really made it our home and I'm so sad to leave. It's totally not the stuff or anything but the experiences we've had here are literally priceless. 

I feel like we moved in yesterday. Sweet Kelly came to help move us in. Also some other Oxford friends were in town that weekend, too and they all came over and helped! Amazing. 

My sweet Mom washed at least 1,000 dishes that day. It's one of my least favorite things to do ever and she just kept washing and washing and washing and washing. 

Because we didn't have anything else going on we had people over the night after we moved in. I mean what else would you do?

I feel so lucky to have had so many amazing life events here! 

first snow (that I can remember... that first year we got over 10 snow days. I know I sound self absorbed but I'm pretty sure God did that for me. I was working at the hardest job ever. ever. ever. and right before I was about to be committed (which was very often) it would snow and my sanity would be briefly restored.)

Ben graduated from college! 

First anniversary!

Of course one of the best memories I'll ever have is of my parent's amazing vowel renewal at our house. 

Mom's birthday at our house in 2010. 

The next year when we threw here a surprise birthday party. She wanted something really low key but I'm so glad we went all out and had a big party! It was perfect :) 

Then of course finding out we were expecting and all of that greatness. 

Then bringing Austin home and realizing I had no idea what I was doing for the next 2 months. 

I cannot begin to count the millions of times I paced up and down these halls either trying to get him to sleep or trying to not step on certain parts of the floors that made loud sounds to prevent him from waking up. These old wood floors are beautiful but they are also like a minefield for a baby who is light sleeper. 

First night grin. 

First time he was stretching out. Sharon and I were in his room and went so paparazzi on him. For the first couple of weeks they attempt to stay in this fetal position and on this day be began stretching out and we were just so amazed. 

This was one of the best days ever. We still were on no routine what so ever but he was sweet and cute and he enjoyed being on the play mat and I can remember thinking that I could maybe just maybe do this. I'm pretty sure I also cried this day thinking I could not do this but it was the first time I had a shed of confidence. It was also one of the first times I took a picture of him awake because he was not screaming. Success. 

Honestly there are thousands more but I'm going to stop there. I love this house and as thankful as I am to move on, I'm extremely sad as well. This was our first house we bought, the house we brought Austin home to, the house my Mom helped me with so much, and the first place we made a real home. I'm so attached with the memories here and I know we can take those with us, it will be so had to leave. 

Unfortunately this week is crazy busy and I'll be at work until 10 most nights. We close on Thursday and were originally moving Friday but I finally broke down tonight at told Philip I needed one extra day. I need a night where we give Austin a regular bath all together, do our reading/family time, eat take out from our favorite Greek place, and watch some tv. I need some regularity just one more time. 

As my sweet Dad taught me with the help of Atlanta Rhythm Section "It ain't much but it's home". 

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne. 

Ode to Austin

Warning: this one is long and kind of sad, kind of not. 

When I was younger I imagined all kind of things but very few of them had to do with having babies. I knew I wanted them at some point, some way, but it honestly wasn't a big goal of mine. I imagined singing in great concert halls, celebrating Christmas in Switzerland ( I have no idea why but this one was big from about 14-19) and traveling the world singing and loving life. Obviously, some things turned out differently. I figured out around 25 I did not have a bohemian soul. Although I wanted so desperately to make it work singing one trip really changed my life. I was auditioning for anything and everything in Manhattan and was so blasted broke. I ate.50 cent bagels constantly and one day between auditions I went and sat in a Macy's dressing room to take a break because I couldn't afford to do anything else. I was basically a squatter before I knew what that was. When I finally returned to Nashville, Kelly had to loan me a $20.00 because I literally didn't have the money for the flipping subway to get to the airport. I realized I couldn't do it. I wanted insurance, I wanted a regular paycheck, I wanted stability, and I wanted...normal. This was kind of a sad trip for me because I felt like I was letting go of a lifelong dream. Of course I could still sing but I realized I wouldn't make it my career. Yes it was my choice but it also felt like a failure. I knew deep down I didn't have it though. I didn't have the insides for that profession. One that requires you to have the utmost confidence while being told no constantly, a career where everyone you know has at least 1 master's degree and is still waiting tables, a career where it is normal to not have health insurance (at least it was at the time) and everyone really seems to be making it week to week. I just couldn't handle the thought of all of it. I remember thinking about how hard I worked during grad school and how I thought I had earned some place in life where I could eat more than .50 cent bagels for every meal. 

So I turned to teaching. The first jobs were.. well you know but then I landed such an incredible job. Perfect? No, none are but I am beyond lucky to work where I do. In the middle there we got married, bought a house, traveled some, hung out with friends a lot, enjoyed life. 

Then life changed in the worst way possible. My rock, center of our worlds, most incredible person in this entire universe got cancer. I won't go into the trials of it all because we already know them. We lost her to cancer and still the sun has never shown as brightly. 

One of the biggest gifts I've ever been given was my gut. I just have feelings about things, people, situations, etc. When we knew we were expecting, I knew we needed to tell my Mom immediately. I know this seems like well duh, she's your Mom, but there was something so different about this feeling. We were only 5 weeks so I had a minute of wait what if something happens, my family doesn't need another thing to worry about but my gut said, go tell her now. We told her on a Friday after work at my parent's house. My parents and Ben were there and I brought this onesie and Mom opened it. 

She was so happy, we all were:)  but I saw sadness in her eyes. Of course no one would say it but we all felt sharp pain of the unfairness of the whole situation. I prayed constantly that she would get to meet our baby. Then I began some kind of bargaining...at least let her get to know what we are having, etc etc. We had a great day over there and I remember her texting me the next day "how you feeling little Momma?" I've never been so thankful that I just followed my gut because the following Tuesday she went into the hospital and died 9 days later. What a gift to be able to tell her about Austin in our home before we really knew what wait ahead. 

2 days after her funeral Philip and I went to the 8 week appointment, almost a week late. We saw a very healthy tadpole, heartbeat, etc. I was so nervous I threw up on the side of 65 on the way there. I just kept remembering thinking I don't think I can handle anymore bad news. 

As my pregnancy progressed I fixated on having a girl. I wanted a girl so badly so I could recreate the close relationship my Mom and I had. I would name her after Mom (Lauren, her first name) and we would be so close and it would help with healing. Now a little out of the grief fog I can think good Lord that's a lot of pressure to put on a baby and selfish much?! All about me, I think the Mom's job is supposed to be the opposite. 

Well of course now we know the great news was...it's a boy! I was weird about it. I knew it was a boy. I knew one day walking in the park, I just knew. I also told Philip that our boy could be the baby Jesus in the pageant before we really knew, somehow I just knew but I didn't want to accept it. I wanted a girl. named Lauren. We would be close. The end. But we saw our bundle of joy and there was no mistake. All. flipping. boy. I didn't cry or anything but I just sat there... a boy? What was I do to do with a boy? He was healthy and I thought I needed to be grateful and felt a twinge guilty for my twisted emotions but there they were.

Later in the week I shamefully felt comfort in shopping because there were surprisingly a lot of cute boy clothes. Previously I found the perfect girl bedding and now with a boy on the way I fell in love with a transportation sheet and then planned everything around it. 

Parts of being pregnant were hard. Not the obvious stuff like swollen ankles and stuff.. like missing my Mom so much it hurt but trying to remain positive and healthy for this little miracle. 

As the day approached I will admit I was super nervous. Frankly I should have been. We were a mess for a good 6 weeks. I can remember so clearly one night standing in my living room crying with you because after God knows how long I could not do anything to make you happy. You were less than a week old and I can remember crying to my Mom, "I wish you were here, I just need help!" I just knew if she were alive she would have spent the night with us and I was there alone. That moment was just so grim and so sad I remember thinking that I might never be able to be successful at this whole Mom thing. 

But with all of these struggles I have learned more than I thought possible. Of course I'm a teacher, I'll always value formal education but there is no way you can train for this thing. Motherhood is like some sort of battle but there isn't an enemy. This tiny being you just met somehow steals your heart, mind, and soul and there absolutely nothing a Mom wouldn't do for her baby. Are there hard moments? Oh Lord yes. Moments were I thought I was totally failing and I would have that awful kid nobody wanted coming around. And honestly, we still have them. But what have I gotten in return? Absolutely everything. The ability to love. I don't care how flipping cheesy that sounds it's the truth. I've found a new "career" (yes, I still have a job outside the home but you get my point) that challenges me constantly and I actually look forward to. Never have a researched more, tried new tactics, etc. than I have for this job. Frankly, I found further purpose.

Truth be told, Austin saved me. The pain of losing your Mom when she was only 53 is maddening. I know people who have had it worse so I'm not trying to be a poor, pitiful me or anything but it really is. Austin saved me and my family. What a gift to celebrate this innocent baby with a grieving family. What a gift that my Mom lives on in me every time I think, "what would my mom do?". What a joy it is to see my Dad and brother play with Austin with such love in their eyes. It's the most magical and honorable gift ever to be a Mom. I am proud to be a Mom and am eager to work as hard as possible to do whatever it take to succeed. I know I will fail often but it's a marathon not a sprint, right? 

It's so bizarre how life takes you different places. 10 years ago I semi-entertained the idea of kids and now having him is by far the best thing I've ever done with my life. I couldn't be more grateful for this child that calls me ma-ma and for my own Mother for showing me the way. As we approach the one year mark I am terrified of how fast this year has gone. It used to get on my nerves while I was in the no sleeping, constantly being peed and pooped on stage when people talked of the early days with some sort of hazy romanticism, but oh my gosh, I'd go through it all again. I mean if we are talking time travel now, I'd rather pick and choose but if it was all or nothing I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Even those awful hours in the hospital when you screamed for 4 hours strait because you had stuff in your lungs or on your third day when you screamed until you finally pooped. I mean all of it. The good, bad and ugly, I'd do over again and again because kid I'm so in love with you it hurts. 

I owe you everything we are and have, you've changed our lives in so many ways, all for the better. I can't imagine my life without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

Christmas!

Christmas with a little one was so different and amazing. I cannot get over how everything has changed, this year for the better. Since Mom died I haven't felt like any holidays felt "real" and although things still feel totally different, having a little one to share the holiday joy with really felt magical. 

I bought this Santa suit on zulily. Sometimes you can really luck out with this website... not this time. The suit was 6-12 months and the pants were HUGE... this babe is not small and they were hanging off him and the shirt was super tight. I planned for him to wear this on Christmas morning but there was no way that would work so I just tucked his pants into the diaper (super gross) and took a couple of pics. 

His little bump on his eye is the remnant from a huge fall last week with his babysitter. He fell and well, the floor won. 

Santa came! 

For some reason the boys decided the champagne for mimoas needed to be opened "saber style". I kept thinking "you're gonna poke an eye out".. luckily no one did. 

Ugh, didn't realize this was on manual focus... I'm not organized enough to do manual focus with a baby. I can still blame everything on him still, right?

We always go to the same Christmas eve party. Not only were Knox and Austin celebrating their first Christmases, they wore the same outfit. Totally not planned :) We attempted to take pictures with the boys together, but Austin was way too interested in roughly touching 7 week Knox. Austin was really interested in Knox but attempted to show his interest by punching him in the eye. Knox was a good sport, totally laid back and didn't care whatsoever. Thank God. 

Santa has started stopping by this party every year. Olivia has always loved seeing him. Austin on the other hand only loved seeing Olivia. I think my boy might have his first real crush. She was a good sport at first but then when Austin began biting all of her toys, she had other ideas :) 

I wish I could say I had pictures of Austin but he was so scared I had to put my camera down and save my baby from the apparently evil, scary, Santa. 

Christmas at Grandma's. Yes, he is playing with the box. Opening presents here was a bit stressful for Mommy because for some reason we hung out for 2 hours in a room with white carpet and breakables everywhere. He really did a great job and although this child is anything but calm, we managed to keep him in the same room (for the most part) without breaking anything, so I'd say it was a success. 

Already taking my cash. 

After Christmas at the Pratt's and a great nap for Austin, Dad and Ben came back over. We were trying to see Ben as much as possible... his trip was way too short!

Hate that there is a shadow in the background but this sweet face sums up Christmas. Our little boy had so much fun with presents, parties, family and friends! We feel so blessed to be gifted this precious little boy.

Merry Christmas 

Gentry Farm

On Saturday Dad, Philip and I went to Gentry's Farm in Franklin. I've been wanting to go for such a long time and we have just been way too busy. We finally went on Saturday which was such a dreary day, but we made it work anyway. Not tons to do for a baby... maybe next year will be fun and Austin can actually participate in some of the activities. At least we got some cute pics. 

Philip making fun of us for taking so many pictures. 

Although he couldn't do almost any of the activities, he did love looking at the animals, especially the turkeys. He would laugh whenever they walked.. I guess they are odd looking animals. 

Who know sitting on a pumpkin was so hilarious? 

                                  

Fun day with my cutest pumpkin! 

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.