ode to my tv

Months ago I thought I was extremely intelligent and misjudged what I really do with my time. Somehow I was under the impression that I didn't watch a lot of television. Hello? I'm in a book club. I read blogs, work, starting new jobs, run, try to go to yoga, I don't even have time to watch tv, I totally don't need it and won't miss it.

Under my misguided advice we. cancelled. cable. We went to Europe, had a wonderful time, watched a lot of BBC but didn't miss cable even a little bit.

Then I came home. We both had pretty crazy jet lag. Like so thrown off that P washed the cars at 4AM and I cleaned the bathrooms.

After cleaning BOTH bathrooms and doing approximately 1,000 loads of laundry by 10 AM, all I wanted to do was submit to the couch and the television to go in and out of television consciousness. Then I realized how my life had been changed drastically forever.

We did not have cable. Or any television channels. Nada.

At first I made do. Since this whole scam was my idea, I watched reruns we downloaded of Modern Family, the Office, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. I watched a few episodes RHWONJ on Hulu but I was just so out of the loop. Finally I cried uncle. I miss cable, I crave it, I NEED it. I told P that I was so over it and needed cable yesterday. To add insult to injury P didn't even miss the glory of 400 channels. He was fine with out it. Ugh, no. Momma needs her times of lobotomy-esque television pleasure.

FINALLY yesterday the miracle occurred. The planets aligned, God smiled down and brought us the magic of cable. It's so beautiful and I promise to never quit you again cable.

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

Silax

When I thought the crazies at Bravo couldn't do more Silax (Simon+Alex) just produced perhaps the best song we will all love to hate. Really, it's time. The Countess and Kim aren't enough anymore. The other seasons have tried but I can't even remember how their songs sound and we are tired of the rich housewife in the studio scene. The only logical solution would obviously be.. a house husband, I can think of no one better that Simon. Since we are facebook friends (no, we really are, I am the ultimate stalker and try to be "real" friends not the lame fans with people when they are in their first few seconds of their fifteen minutes of fame. Praise God I did this with Simon so I am constantly updated with their Brooklyn antics) I don't want to give him too much grief, but he knows it's all done with love. Simon's song "I am Real" contains all the elements that a house husband song needs. First the delusion that every housewife wants to be with him but then goes behind his rainbow sequined back to trash him on their twitter. Secondly, the bumpin' dance track and leather pants in his single pic is sure to squash any of those pesky gay rumors. Lastly, I'm glad Simon chose to remind us that in fact he is a real person, and not a robot or hologram so many other "celebrities" (oh another favorite part of the song, when he refers to himself as a celebrity) are using, which we all know is just plain lazy. Thank you Simon for keeping yourself real. Now if we could only get a Bravo summer tour in the works, my life would be complete. With all of the "singles" stars the concert would maybe make it a whopping 30 minutes but I would so attend.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

party in the city where the heat is on...

Andy and the goddesses of Bravo created yet another Housewives series filled with winos, wannabe models, and gallons of botox. Every time they come out with another city I swear I won't watch but somehow the magic of Bravo sucks me in and I am totally hooked. Although I don't think this will be my favorite of the housewives series, I find it necessary to inform the faithful readers of my careful critique and obviously go back to my sorority days and use some Robert's rules of order to ensure fairness.
Pro: Latinas! I love the Latin flavor. Everyone is Cuban, gorgeous, proud, and just the ever so slightest loud and tacky (but in the best way possible). The ladies, their clothes, houses, jewelry and lives are so over the top and cray.

Con: Fake drama. It seems like these ladies need more going on. I know some have jobs and families etc but a lot of the episode seems like they were trying to make drama out of nothing. It also seems like they don't really know each other all that well. It also seems like they are big ol' drunky drunks but that's okay if you're rich.

Con: Really out of control, redic plastic surgery fails. Okay, so I don't usually like the fail bandwagon (especially now that Andy (umm hello Cohen) says he doesn't like it either, good Lord, we need to be friends yesterday, for both of our sakes) but there is no other way to describe some of the non-expression expressions these ladies "provide". While I'm not trying to see holier than though because I am not at all above getting some kind of enhancement if it looks natural and I can do it when no one can ever finds out and I can deny it forever. But when your face looks like some plastic and flammable mask only appropriate on Halloween you know one has a serious problem. Seriously some of these women have passed Joan Rivers and on their way to Michael Jackson. (too soon?)
Pro: Miami. I'm glad they picked this city. Different from any other city and I was getting sick of ghetto drama and nasally yankees. Perfect change and a fab inspiration for pre-summer dieting. Then it reminded me of one of the best trips ever with my great Ole Miss friends! Memories...

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

number 9...so fine...

Obviously two days in a row were enough for Metro...

The snow gods smiled down on this exhausted teacher and provided the perfect amount of snow for everyone to be happy. Nashville only got around an inch and honestly most streets are fine...this means I am off, can go play, and folks who do not get adult snow days can still drive into to work.

At this point we are way over a snow allotment so being the dedicated educator that I am one would think I would be wishing for near perfect weather so we would not miss another minute of opportunity to educate our future leaders....then you would wake up. Now I'm all about the most snow possible. In high school we got 13 snow days and it was declared a natural disaster and we did not have to make up any and that's what I'm hoping for now...

So what to do on my wonderful day off...yes of course coffee, cleaned for literally one minute, and watching ridiculous television...which is where I saw my fav Beverly Hills Housewife Kyle on Regis and Kelly (where Regis never comes anymore) I love Kyle but omg, she committed a huge fashion mistake... Everyone knows that the set of Regis and Kelly has those awkward chairs (pictured above left...not Kyle but you get the idea...they are tall and you have to basically jump onto the chairs...awkward) and Kyle wore...spanx...and even worse, she crossed her legs, multiple times and flashed those ugly bike shorts/torture chamber. Kyle is not the only star who has suffered the ugly unwelcomed flash of the spanx.

Above is a pretty pic of Kyle. I thought she probably already feels enough embarrassment from flashing her spanx on national television that she did not need it revealed again... plus I couldn't find it.

Above is Katy Perry in not such a teenage dream moment.

This one is a hard one to pull off...getting out of a car or out of a chair is most tricky in spanx and here is poor Eva flashing her spanx.

Everyone knows how much I love this Bravo big shot yet, here she flashes her spanx at New York Fashion week last year. This question is bizarre to me because why would you wear spanx when you're preggers? I guess you always want to be skinny...

Of course I have never worn spanx... oh sorry I'm back, lightening just struck our house and I was on fire... okay so perhaps I have worn spanx in the past...but whatever. These cheap tummy tucks can be give you that added boost of confidence but take a page out of the early 1900s and cross those ankles ladies! (or gentlemen too, Natalie's News judges not for the wearing of spanx)

For Natalie's News this has been a spanx-free (for today) Natalie-Corinne.

life lessons from Beverly Hills

What I've learned from the Housewives...

1. Nothing tastes as good as skinny. Tonight on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Russell (awkward) throws a birthday party for Taylor and there is so much food and none of the ladies eat anything... and they all look amazing in their dresses. You can detag a facebook pic, but you can't detag cellulite.

2. Prepare a toast! Seriously? Tonight Russell (wet noodle) gave his wife, mother of his child a toast that made me yearn for a root canal. It made my skin craw and I was sitting in Tennessee, six months later wearing my non glamorous Ole Miss sweatshirt, umm can you imagine being there? Would probably want a drink... speaking of...!!!

3. Alcohol + limos + family drama + random British guy = disaster!!! Omg, that fight was so out of control. All their business was so out in the open. Gross. Although a lot of people seem to be on team Kim I am so team Kyle. I cannot stand folks who play the victim and use others and that's what I feel that she does.. you know because I know them so well from those 44 minutes...

4. You need to be over 60 to wear multiple tight pearls. Sorry Kim, but pearl overload tonight. I think the tight pearls around the neck was plenty but then then bracelet? Hottie dress then 19th century royal jewels. Fail. (yes, I finally joined the fail bandwagon)


5. You should marry someone who likes to go to awful parties, listen to awkward toasts, and wear uncomfortable clothes. I cannot get over how many redic situations these guys suffer through all to stand next to a beautiful, plastic woman who doesn't eat. One would think perhaps the lack of food bill would be one advantage but I think the rest of the lavish lifestyle more than makes up for the skipped lunches.

6. Oh and for any of these rules to apply to anyone make a billion dollars and move to Beverly Hills, perhaps this should have been rule 1?

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

Camille

Obviously, my return to blogging must conquer some real life topics...Myself and Bravo have the healthiest relationship in my life. I can always and I mean always turn on any reality show on the beautiful network and instantly get my judging on, get inspired for a diet, and bond with other Bravo junkies for our complete hatred for someone we have never met but are closer with than some family members. Although I have favorite seasons of the Housewives series, I am an equal opportunity viewer. I will watch all of them but my dedication changes with the season. If I really love the ladies I will dvr and watch in pure delight w/ a glass of vino after battling crazy children all day. If the season is just ehh (Atlanta, Orange County, DC) I will catch up on a Saturday, Sunday, sometime but it is not worth losing sleep or extra wine calories. Every season has a villain who is always beautiful, crazy, and creatively managed to sucker some man (and recently woman w/ Danielle) into supporting their children, lifestyle, shopping and plastic surgery addictions, etc. So it's obvious there is a villain or who else would we talk about but I like it when the villain kind of owns up to it. Like, yeah I'm a b- but deal with it. We might not want to be friends w/ said person but at least she is consistent. My new favorite guilty pleasure is...Beverly Hills. OMG. I really didn't think I would like these ladies but oh how wrong I was. First of all, they are HOUSEWIVES. Secondly, they make no apologies for throwing ridiculous parties and spending like it's monopoly money. I am sick of the other seasons who are either broke and trying to hide it (Atlanta) or have taking a beating from the media and trying to be modest (NYC). Their houses are huge and their boobs, lips and hair are even bigger. This season's villain is the worst ever. I present Camille Grammer. What makes her the worst is how she always plays the victim and somehow suckers people into feeling so sorry for her. She actually said she had a "Jesus complex" and for some reason everyone is out to get her and every woman in the entire world even women with out access to Bravo is insanely jealous. Gross. I hate it in real life when people play the victim but especially in my reality tv. On the other hand, she may have the last laugh because she is getting tons of attention (not so positive), a blog post from me and TMZ reports she will walk away with a cook 50 million from Frazier himself. Not too shabby.

In other news, Bravo owns my soul and I need to quit watching and pretending I know these people.

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

Five Hundred Twenty five thousand Six Hundred Minutes....

The cast of Rent said it best...how do you measure a year? OMG. A year... really, a year? I know. Honestly I stopped blogging because I was job searching but I then did not pick it back up because well, no good reason. Life got crazy and then all the sudden I am MARRIED, I live in Tennessee and yes a year has passed. What happened?!?! Well I'll try to recap with one of the most important things first...(shout out to Rbert for starting this all up...when her's and Whit's are up I'll pass it along b/c it will be so hot right now)

What will be first? Marriage? The 2 moves? New job? No. SUMMER OF BRAVO. Omg, Bravo has exploded! I feel like that network is taking over my life, my dvr and my vernacular. If you're a close friend then we all speak Bravo and Ramona eyes and satchels of gold are obvis. Right now we're (and Philip is included in the we only b/c he is bound to me by the state) are enjoying the craziness of the 3-part NYC Reunion, New Jersey, Kathy Griffin, and Bethenny Getting Married. With my commitment to Bravo one could reasonably wonder how I able to still communicate w/ family and friends but I somehow make it work. I'm pretty much a single mother raising 3 kids w/ no help but my kids are the tv shows, ugh God help us all. Kelly and Danielle are certifiable in the padded cell kind of way. I like the Manzos and Bethenny Frankel the most. I feel like the women are all repeating the same mistakes...obviously they need a guide book...who else should write it other than the most devoted Bravo watcher ever?~?~ ME

Step 1. DON'T SING.....I repeat DON'T SING. How could they all not have learned after the distaster (although she did sell quite a few ring tones but I think it was more of a joke than anything else) of Kim V (pictured left) of RHWof Atlanta...Don't be tardy for the party. Someone as "classy" as the countess LuAnn (pictured right) should have known her manly vocals (and I use that term soooo loosely) would never top the charts but she did it anyway. Although she was right and Money can't buy you class, it also can't buy you a good singing voice. (ouch) And NOW Queen Crazy Danielle (pictured left) is debuting her duet (no, not that tape, a real musical duet...) and the good Lord only knows what will come out of that mess. So really, you all became famous because you spend other people's money well (exception Bethenny, Ramona, Vicky (OC) ) stick to what you know and if you must branch out hire a ghost writer like the rest of the world and do some more yoga. Singing is talent and a skill, not a new career you can pick up like a Santa's helper job at Macy's while you're home for the holidays. ugh.

Step 2: Remember what kind of celebrity you are. Yes, people know you now and you are provided w/ all kind of new gigs, but remember you are on the lower end of the celebrity scale (just deal, its true) and don't go getting too big for your britches! I think that's some of the reason for all of the Jill (NYC) backlash this year. There are no emmys for Housewives drama and enjoy the ride while you got it. The Diva attitude is totally accepted from Juilia Roberts, Oprah, and Donald Trump, etc... but a reality show on Bravo? Nope.

Step 3: Everyone always gets skinny after the first season b/c the camera adds 10lbs. If you get this gig go ahead and give up carbs, sugar, alcohol and your life and get into that size 2 dress. Nothing tastes as good as skinny.

I could go on and on but then it might prevent good tv so I'll stop. Basically it's a lot easier to judge from behind my laptop but this is my "service" (ie.totally free and not read) to the public and they are making beaucoup bucks for their "trials" so go get 'em ladies!

In other news, we had an INSANE year full of good, bad, happy, sad moments that I won't even attempt to go over but yes, we did get married and we were soooo lucky to have so many amazing friends and family come in for our blessed party I mean wedding. It was everything we wanted and it made me sad all my friends and family live so far apart b/c having all my worlds colliding together for one weekend was pure bliss :)

Stay tuned for:

*How we've become real adults (at least kind of and mainly I just try to fool people)

*Updates on the family

*Weekend update and much, much more.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and somehow makes an early start to their weekend! For Natalie's News this has been long lost, Natalie-Corinne.

Jersey girl

So I have a little confession to make, maybe it's all the Bravo (Real Housewives of New Jersey pictured right, don't have real favorites yet...but the comment" she wants to skin me and wear me like last season's Versace" was PRICELESS) I've been watching but I secretly wish I had a New Jersey or Long Island accent. I know, I'm totally insane, but I really want one of those " don't mess with me because everything I do and say sounds dramatic because of my accent" voices. Something about their voices is glamorous to me, but not in a Hollywood kind of glamorous, think gangster (pictured left). I know this may sound offensive to some, but I kind of wish I was in some safe way connected to the mafia. Waste management, jewelry falling of trucks, the food etc is so foreign and exciting to me, and the accent makes it even better. If I had the accent I could say "oh my gawd" in that nasally tone and wave my big curly hair, perfectly manicured long nails, and tanned body in any one's face that was giving me some trouble and they would have tremble in fear. Unfortunately, I do not have a good Jersey girl accent and although secretly I try to create one my southern roots shine and I sound too nice. Not always a bad thing, but it would be nice to be able to turn on and off my Jersey girl alter ego when in need. Think of her is a my Jersey super hero named Nikki Randalfalo (pictured right) who combats haters with all the Jersey girl traits folks love to hate. Nice.

Well I am off to finish up the last official day of school! I'm jetting off to Nashville for the long weekend and am so excited to spend it with the whole family! I wish everyone a wonderful weekend, for Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

end of an era

This is the last week of school at the junior high. Sweet little students arrive bringing goodies and saying their precious good byes to their friends and teachers for the long summer where I guess they will never see each other again. It all seems so dramatic to me. Students feel they should tell everyone how amazing and gucci they are and how they will never be forgotten over the long two months of summer. Was I this dramatic? But more importantly, why is nobody but me excited? I want to literally run up and down the halls naked while doing cartwheels sharing the good news that is summer. Don't you get that this is over? For two glorious months we won't have to wake up before the sun, lunch will be longer than 18 minutes, and I will be able to go to the bathroom any old time I want! What more could a girl want?! Maybe some of them will miss the drama of this circus, but I am looking forward to the relaxing and blazing hot summer that awaits us. ahhh.

In other news, brother Ben is home from college and of course being waited on hand and foot by the parents. He enjoyed a large dinner of ribs last night, prepared by Papa Pete, and I am told the parents chewed the food up for him so he would have to as little work as possible. Seriously, Ben had a very tough semester and did very well in grades and athletics and we are very happy to have the young chap home where he is required to bathe and shave.

Lastly, I do apologize to my loyal readers (thanks family) for the absence of this vital article...the recap of possibly the most important reality show finale ever...I give you the two-night finale of The Real Housewives of New York City (pictured right). Oh where to start. I can't help it, I love these girls. Jill Zarin is my favorite. She is the Jewish neighbor I've always wanted and never had. She is so fun and out there and I really love her, coming in a close second is Bethenny. We could definitely be friends and maybe I would lose a couple drinking her skinny girl margaritas. The rest can fight for the most repulsive depending on what episode you're watching. Anyway the two night finale was priceless including uncanny amounts of fake tears, the countess getting down and dirty, models being accused of assault, gay husbands, ill behaved children, the list goes on and on. Love it. If you have not filled your obligation of guilty television viewing, now is the time. I cannot wait for next season with the real housewives of New Jersey. The wives have huge hair, houses, tans, jewelry, boobs, everything one would expect from a Jersey girl. Even better, most of them are related and have the "family business"! Ahh, could you get more mob-esque?!?! Set your dvrs now and thank me later.

Well I hope everyone has a great beginning to their week. For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

there she is

So this is super shallow but I'm not gonna lie, I love a good beauty pageant controversy. Nothing gets me going better than a faux purity princess that lives a double life, ahh what drama! Not even the folks at lifetime could make this stuff up. Of course I'm talking about Ms. California 2009, Carrie Prejean (pictured right). First of all she is gorgeous with a rocking bod, beautiful hair and an engaging smile, so we are required to stare at the beauty and unfairly the world waits for her to mess up. Oh and mess up she has. After the USA pageant I was confused and sympathetic. First I was confused why the Miss USA pageant was still on the air. Who watches this?! After the blunder with Tara Conner's( pictured left) drug controversy (remember.. small town girl from KY came to the big apple and engaged in unlady like activities and the Donald gave her a second chance and that started the famous Rosie/Donald feud) a couple of years ago, I thought the pageant lost the twinge of validity it had. Secondly I slightly sympathized with the beauty queen because she merely told the truth instead of being PC and everyone was so outraged. Perez Hilton was so rude on his blog and it seemed some people were just rootless about her views. Although I do not agree with Ms. California, this is America and she is free to express herself. But then media went nuts and she became Sarah Palin (Palin pictured as a former beauty queen right) in training and I vomited in my mouth a little bit. Folks everywhere praised her and she became the hot conservative, possible of everything, even saving the Republican party. Finally a new face of the elephants was someone young, hot and conservative. I heard folks praising the beauty queen even speculating that she could be the first woman president, but uh oh, one problem. Thedirty.com has uncovered some old scandalous photos showing the moral wonder in some less than holy photographs. The pictures have been everywhere and so once again another media blitz has surrounded the conservative princess. As a responsible journalist (bwahaha) I googled the pictures and they are racy for a "role model" but you can't see anything more than one could in a Victoria's Secret catalog. Only problem, a couple of days ago she swore to TMZ (who check and recheck their facts) that she regretting taking the one photograph and there were no more. Ah, guess she forgot that there are. The sneaky folks at thedirty found another photograph and Nik Ritchie, operator of thedirty promised to slowly roll out all of his incriminating pictures of the beauty queen. Yikes. What can we learn from all this?! Don't take naked pictures, duh. So many other beauty contestants have suffered the same fate from Internet plunders. Remember Miss New Jersey 2008, Amy Polumbo (pictured left)? Her facebook pictures were not set to private and unflattering pictures of her partying got her in big trouble and she ended up defending her crown to Matt Lauer on the Today Show. Ladies, ladies, ladies, do what my Sunday school teacher in 9th grade told us and keep an aspirin between your legs and smile with those crest white smiles...nothing else.


In other news, my big sis Aimee of Houston gave birth to her new bundle of joy Benny yesterday. Both her and the baby are said to be doing well. This brings me to my next chapter in the quarter life crisis. Holy Lord God people my age are having babies. No longer are "parents" the people that birthed my generation, no they ARE my generation. I suspect in the next couple of years some of my friends will ask to bring their children to our social events...omg. Conversations are going to begin centering around the varying colors of poop and snot of their precious children. If any of my friends are parents like Simon and Alex (pictured right) on New York's housewives I will probably up my dosage of lexi to deal with the Francoises and Johannes of the world. I'm not trying to say I'm against children, just against many children being in my presence for extended periods of time. No, I think having little chaps around will be fun at times, I've just still got to have my social outings sans children some of the time.

Well I should go back to work. I hope everyone has a wonderful day... and remember no nudi pics :) For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

crisis in oxford

Natalie's News is first on the scene to report the minute by minute details of the crisis in Oxford. We're in deep trenches of night five with out air and all here at Natalie's News are struggling to stay sane in this sweltering Mississippi heat. I've moved everything downstairs to the den and am living hillbilly style with the windows up with fans in the window seals, oh yeah we did it. Even better, not all of our windows have screens (thanks cheap landlord) so we have to put pillows on either sides of the fans to keep the cats out. I thought about taking a picture but I'm afraid creating evidence of this "caliber" of living will prevent me from staring in the next "real housewives" show on Bravo. My goal is to have the body of Bethenny (from New York and pictured left) with the trash talk of NeNe (from Atlanta and pictured right). You may ask how I plan on becoming a real housewife when I am not rich or married...well those details are not planned but I DO know that I have the attitude and party planning ability to put those divas to shame...But right now I'm far away from staring in anything except with the boys on the road of the famous Blue Collar Comedy Tour. I bet their buses even have air, although the excessive stops for generic cigarettes, KFC, and Natty light would get old.

In other news, I'm slightly dramatic (NO!) and am totally afraid I have the beginning stages of the Swine Flu. It's really just allergies that have moved down my nasal passages to my chest (hot) but I'm convinced by the hourly news reports about swine flu that I will be the first confirmed case of Swine flu in the great state of Mississippi and then forced to be on Oprah (pictured left). No, not trying to make light of the seriousness of the swine flu, I guess it's my way of dealing with it. When I was afraid of the Bird flu my former fellow ocd roommate Ann Marie and I began stocking up on can goods, bottled water, shampoo, soap, books, etc. Yeah it was totally insane but I partially blame Tom Cruise's War of the Worlds and the hysteria that took over for our "odd" preventions. Finally we eased up on the planning and I forgot about the BOXES of supplies underneath my bed until I moved last summer. It was a funny and disturbing sight to see the samples of supplies we hoarded for a while. Or maybe further notice that I spend the rest of my days locked safely away in a home. Take your pick.

Well I should probably get to bed or MY COUCH (thanks Ray!). I wish everyone a swine flu free and cool day! For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.