Senior Tea

At my first year at Brentwood, my Mom and I planned a senior girls tea. We had such a fun time planning it together and Ms. Alicia helped with her perfect touches. We had a pinterest board, cooked a lot, and really enjoyed working together Friday night at Saturday morning. I have to be honest, every year I do a little less. The first year I feel like we cooked quite a bit, the second year I bought a lot of it but from a lot of different places, this year I bought everything from Costco. 

Of course you will never have a date where every senior girl can attend. This year 16 ladies attended and it was a very fun group! 

Mom's china

I'm just now realizing I forgot to put doilies on the plates :) whoops. Anyway, it was a lot of fun and the girls really seemed to enjoy it. I'm not posting a picture of the students but know they are very pretty, nice and smart! We had a lot of fun and I love getting to use Mom's china. Last year this event was really fun but sad for me because I just kept thinking of how much fun Mom and I had putting it on together but this year I was able to think a little bit more about the fun and a little less about the sadness. Baby steps. 

This was also the last event we will have at our old house. We close in a week and a half and will have to focus on making memories in our new house. 

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne. 

Ode to Austin

Warning: this one is long and kind of sad, kind of not. 

When I was younger I imagined all kind of things but very few of them had to do with having babies. I knew I wanted them at some point, some way, but it honestly wasn't a big goal of mine. I imagined singing in great concert halls, celebrating Christmas in Switzerland ( I have no idea why but this one was big from about 14-19) and traveling the world singing and loving life. Obviously, some things turned out differently. I figured out around 25 I did not have a bohemian soul. Although I wanted so desperately to make it work singing one trip really changed my life. I was auditioning for anything and everything in Manhattan and was so blasted broke. I ate.50 cent bagels constantly and one day between auditions I went and sat in a Macy's dressing room to take a break because I couldn't afford to do anything else. I was basically a squatter before I knew what that was. When I finally returned to Nashville, Kelly had to loan me a $20.00 because I literally didn't have the money for the flipping subway to get to the airport. I realized I couldn't do it. I wanted insurance, I wanted a regular paycheck, I wanted stability, and I wanted...normal. This was kind of a sad trip for me because I felt like I was letting go of a lifelong dream. Of course I could still sing but I realized I wouldn't make it my career. Yes it was my choice but it also felt like a failure. I knew deep down I didn't have it though. I didn't have the insides for that profession. One that requires you to have the utmost confidence while being told no constantly, a career where everyone you know has at least 1 master's degree and is still waiting tables, a career where it is normal to not have health insurance (at least it was at the time) and everyone really seems to be making it week to week. I just couldn't handle the thought of all of it. I remember thinking about how hard I worked during grad school and how I thought I had earned some place in life where I could eat more than .50 cent bagels for every meal. 

So I turned to teaching. The first jobs were.. well you know but then I landed such an incredible job. Perfect? No, none are but I am beyond lucky to work where I do. In the middle there we got married, bought a house, traveled some, hung out with friends a lot, enjoyed life. 

Then life changed in the worst way possible. My rock, center of our worlds, most incredible person in this entire universe got cancer. I won't go into the trials of it all because we already know them. We lost her to cancer and still the sun has never shown as brightly. 

One of the biggest gifts I've ever been given was my gut. I just have feelings about things, people, situations, etc. When we knew we were expecting, I knew we needed to tell my Mom immediately. I know this seems like well duh, she's your Mom, but there was something so different about this feeling. We were only 5 weeks so I had a minute of wait what if something happens, my family doesn't need another thing to worry about but my gut said, go tell her now. We told her on a Friday after work at my parent's house. My parents and Ben were there and I brought this onesie and Mom opened it. 

She was so happy, we all were:)  but I saw sadness in her eyes. Of course no one would say it but we all felt sharp pain of the unfairness of the whole situation. I prayed constantly that she would get to meet our baby. Then I began some kind of bargaining...at least let her get to know what we are having, etc etc. We had a great day over there and I remember her texting me the next day "how you feeling little Momma?" I've never been so thankful that I just followed my gut because the following Tuesday she went into the hospital and died 9 days later. What a gift to be able to tell her about Austin in our home before we really knew what wait ahead. 

2 days after her funeral Philip and I went to the 8 week appointment, almost a week late. We saw a very healthy tadpole, heartbeat, etc. I was so nervous I threw up on the side of 65 on the way there. I just kept remembering thinking I don't think I can handle anymore bad news. 

As my pregnancy progressed I fixated on having a girl. I wanted a girl so badly so I could recreate the close relationship my Mom and I had. I would name her after Mom (Lauren, her first name) and we would be so close and it would help with healing. Now a little out of the grief fog I can think good Lord that's a lot of pressure to put on a baby and selfish much?! All about me, I think the Mom's job is supposed to be the opposite. 

Well of course now we know the great news was...it's a boy! I was weird about it. I knew it was a boy. I knew one day walking in the park, I just knew. I also told Philip that our boy could be the baby Jesus in the pageant before we really knew, somehow I just knew but I didn't want to accept it. I wanted a girl. named Lauren. We would be close. The end. But we saw our bundle of joy and there was no mistake. All. flipping. boy. I didn't cry or anything but I just sat there... a boy? What was I do to do with a boy? He was healthy and I thought I needed to be grateful and felt a twinge guilty for my twisted emotions but there they were.

Later in the week I shamefully felt comfort in shopping because there were surprisingly a lot of cute boy clothes. Previously I found the perfect girl bedding and now with a boy on the way I fell in love with a transportation sheet and then planned everything around it. 

Parts of being pregnant were hard. Not the obvious stuff like swollen ankles and stuff.. like missing my Mom so much it hurt but trying to remain positive and healthy for this little miracle. 

As the day approached I will admit I was super nervous. Frankly I should have been. We were a mess for a good 6 weeks. I can remember so clearly one night standing in my living room crying with you because after God knows how long I could not do anything to make you happy. You were less than a week old and I can remember crying to my Mom, "I wish you were here, I just need help!" I just knew if she were alive she would have spent the night with us and I was there alone. That moment was just so grim and so sad I remember thinking that I might never be able to be successful at this whole Mom thing. 

But with all of these struggles I have learned more than I thought possible. Of course I'm a teacher, I'll always value formal education but there is no way you can train for this thing. Motherhood is like some sort of battle but there isn't an enemy. This tiny being you just met somehow steals your heart, mind, and soul and there absolutely nothing a Mom wouldn't do for her baby. Are there hard moments? Oh Lord yes. Moments were I thought I was totally failing and I would have that awful kid nobody wanted coming around. And honestly, we still have them. But what have I gotten in return? Absolutely everything. The ability to love. I don't care how flipping cheesy that sounds it's the truth. I've found a new "career" (yes, I still have a job outside the home but you get my point) that challenges me constantly and I actually look forward to. Never have a researched more, tried new tactics, etc. than I have for this job. Frankly, I found further purpose.

Truth be told, Austin saved me. The pain of losing your Mom when she was only 53 is maddening. I know people who have had it worse so I'm not trying to be a poor, pitiful me or anything but it really is. Austin saved me and my family. What a gift to celebrate this innocent baby with a grieving family. What a gift that my Mom lives on in me every time I think, "what would my mom do?". What a joy it is to see my Dad and brother play with Austin with such love in their eyes. It's the most magical and honorable gift ever to be a Mom. I am proud to be a Mom and am eager to work as hard as possible to do whatever it take to succeed. I know I will fail often but it's a marathon not a sprint, right? 

It's so bizarre how life takes you different places. 10 years ago I semi-entertained the idea of kids and now having him is by far the best thing I've ever done with my life. I couldn't be more grateful for this child that calls me ma-ma and for my own Mother for showing me the way. As we approach the one year mark I am terrified of how fast this year has gone. It used to get on my nerves while I was in the no sleeping, constantly being peed and pooped on stage when people talked of the early days with some sort of hazy romanticism, but oh my gosh, I'd go through it all again. I mean if we are talking time travel now, I'd rather pick and choose but if it was all or nothing I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Even those awful hours in the hospital when you screamed for 4 hours strait because you had stuff in your lungs or on your third day when you screamed until you finally pooped. I mean all of it. The good, bad and ugly, I'd do over again and again because kid I'm so in love with you it hurts. 

I owe you everything we are and have, you've changed our lives in so many ways, all for the better. I can't imagine my life without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

1 year

So it's been a year. How? It's been a year since so much pain and suffering caused the most influential woman to be taken from us. A year since our worlds consisted of before and after. A year since all our lives were changed forever and truly I do not think we will recover. Go on, yes. Succeed, yes. Have very happy moments, days, exciting opportunities, yes. But recover, do you ever? I'm not sure if there will ever be a time in my life when I don't think of my Mom without a lump in my throat and a tear wanting to stream down my face that I'm fighting. Knowing that my Mom lived almost her entire life feeling this way about her Mother makes me feel for her in an entirely new way. 

I was recently telling Rebecca that I never went through all the stages of grief. I never had the bargaining or denial part after she died. Maybe while she was sick, but I think that was more hope. However, the other night I allowed my mind to wonder to places

 I usually don't. I thought about what we would do if we could just have one week. One well week. No cancer, just one week "the way things used to be". I imagined it with great detail. How Ben and I would allow Mom and Dad time alone first, then all hang out together and for her to get to hold little Austin. Of course a week would never be enough but it was nice and heart wrenching to let my mind wonder there. 

Jenna recently recommended that we write letters to her and let them go with helium balloons. I loved this idea and wanted to do it but timing never worked out with my family. I thought I'd write her a letter on my blog since she always was my number one reader. 

Dear Mom,

         I cannot believe I haven't talked to you in a year. I miss every moment with you but I wish nothing more to have seen you be a grandmother to Austin. I talk to him about his Mimi often and hope you can see and hear all he is doing. He is so busy, rolling over, scooting around, teething, etc. I cannot get over how fast everything is going. There were over a million times I wanted to call and talk to you about something regarding Austin. I also wanted to thank you for how awesome of a Mom you were to us. This is HARD and I hate I never got to tell you in person how much I appreciate all of the sacrifices and hard work you did for us! Thank you!
        I think of you every where I go. Wednesday I was in Macys and laughed and teared up a little when passing a certain dressing room that was host to many meltdowns attempting to find a dress for millions of dances. I still think of calling you daily to tell you something funny or just to say hi. You're on my mind all day long and I miss everything about you but mostly our friendship. You were so loyal, loving and fun.
          Whenever I'm really down or just missing you, I picture you hugging me in the living room at home. I can still feel your hug and smell you. Although it instantly makes me cry a little I always feel a little better. I can still feel you helping me regularly and while I do not know if that it's really you or just my desire to still feel you, I don't really care. I believe it's you just watching out for us, so thank you!
       I love you, Mom. There will never be enough words for me to describe that well enough. I miss you more than I thought possible and hope you are able to watch down on us.

      Miss and love you,
       Nat

Mrs. Alicia

No one, I mean no one will replace you loved one. Everywhere and all day you will be reminded of your loss and your heart will be tugged over the most random situations. No one will ever be able to replace or become your “mom” or whomever you lost, however…sometimes a person is sent who becomes a close second.

My Mom would always do the most thoughtful and quiet things for her loved ones. Even though I’m approaching 30, she would always buy me a small “going back to school” present, like a plant for my room, a flameless candle, etc. She would also spend countless hours helping me “prepare”. After getting my first “big girl” job, she drove down to Oxford and spent the night. We went to Walmart and bought all the cleaning supplies we thought we would need and she brought amazing music posters, a glue gun and sticks, and everything she could envision needing. As we arrived and the vice principal walked us down to my new room (which didn’t have air conditioning… in July… in Mississippi) we were shocked when we looked around. The previous teacher had not cleaned… anything! Every single paper, binder, post-it, etc. was all still there. The vice principal left and as I wanted to cry because of the mess, Mom cried and said, “oh I’m so proud of you” and gave me a huge hug. Immediately, I made myself “buck up” and we just looked… what to do first? Go to Chilli’s. It was lunch time anyway and we needed a plan..and another trip to Wal-Mart.

We went to Chili’s in Batesville with a notepad and made a list of what more things we needed (approximately 50 trash bags…not exaggerating), enough cleaning supplies to disinfect a fraternity house, and even more sticky stuff to cover the gross pee colored walls. We began cleaning and throwing away mountains of old stuff. I thought we would literally never get done. As soon as one project, like cleaning out 50 folders that all contained the entire previous year’s work (plus an amazing number of middle school notes, and a list of current couples…record keeping is extremely important in middle school) we would feel some sense of accomplishment and then BAM! another mountain of work. Finally we got to a point (after 10 hours) of total heat exhaustion and dust overload that we were done (the principal kept “checking” aka hinting we should leave over the intercom, “Ladies we are all heading out for the day..You’ll have time to work on your room when school starts” “NOT WITH MY MOMMA” I thought! So we stayed with the custodians.) The room looked AMAZING and we had both lost around 10lbs of water weight because of how flipping hot it was. I was so proud of it and I only had to finish my wall of Mississippi Musicians.

Later that night we went to a Mexican restaurant and both had a well deserved margarita and made it an early night. My Mom always and I mean always could make a game plan. There was no problem too big for her to divide and conquer. Even in hospice care on the last couple of days she was attempting to make charts of the nursing rotation so she could feel more in control of who was providing care.

Since then I’ve missed the little things the most. When July rolled around, I dreaded going to my classroom for many reasons. One the air was broken. (how does this always happen?... I think they turn off the air to save money but good Lord, someone has to realize rooms aren’t put together in the literal day before school begins…these are the same people who determined that teachers quit getting paid 10 minutes after the last bell of the day. Clearly we always leave then..I hope you’re picking up on the sarcasm. One day last week, I left at 3:30 and I thought omg I’m leaving so early and then realized I still worked 1.5 hours for free and that was the lightest day in FOREVER… but I digress) Two, I was still in the hiding pregnancy phase which was accompanied by severe exhaustion and nausea, but most importantly, it was hard knowing that my Mom wouldn’t be with me. The year before she once again she spent countless hours organizing years of choral music, t-shirts from literally 10 years and older (one box contained a dead mouse head), and hundreds of trophies to clean. Since I wasn’t a new teacher to this school, I knew there wasn’t as much to do, but just knowing she wouldn’t be there with me was so difficult.

Sometimes, people will offer to help, but at times I feel if it can’t be my Mom, I would rather just do it alone. Shopping, pedicures, even cleaning my classroom all have so many memories with my Mom. Sometimes I can make myself do these things with other but often, I just feel like I should do things by myself to avoid being sad.

That is until Mrs. Alicia enters the picture. She was my Mom’s best friend and although they look very different and of course Mrs. Alicia has her family and is not my Mom, however, so many of our family memories include Mrs. Alicia and her family. I feel comfortable with her and am able to say I like or dislike something, and she is so thoughtful.

She really is the one person (excluding my brother, Dad and P) that I feel I can be completely honest with. And honestly, I couldn’t be luckier with them, but there is something about a girl sometimes needing another girl. I can tell her if I am sad, I can say what I am really thinking... about anything. After you lose someone, people are really supportive for about 2 weeks and then people get busy. It’s just the way life is. Friends get busy, and life happens. It’s nothing personal, but you can’t help but feel lonely. Mrs. Alicia has literally been that one person who I feel is 100% supportive, has no agenda, and is close to my Mom that can be. She helped redecorate my classroom in July (with Ben) and always asks me questions about little things, like my Mom did. “Have your boxes for the choral library come in yet? Did they ever get under your risers? “I don’t think I have anyone else in my life is so concerned with my little boring things that most people are too busy for. Saturday we went to get a pedicure and lunch and she gave me this little water cozie for my classroom. It’s small, adorable and so something my Mom would have done. It’s not all about getting things. I can clearly buy myself a water cozie. It’s the thoughtfulness of it all. It’s a small “happy” with a purpose and a surprise.

I hope everyone who loses someone has a Mrs. Alicia. No one can ever replace your loved one and deep down, I don’t want anyone to replace Mom. She was one of a kind and I will always place her on the pedestal that she deserves. At times, I want to isolate my feelings and just bulldoze my way. I’ll start feeling lonely and sad and make a plan of how to do it all and just keep going. Then I’m reminded that it’s okay to feel this way and to accept help or just comfort. Sometimes I’m so sad it hurts to breathe, however having Mrs. Alicia in my life makes things bearable and reminds me of what it feels like to be cared for in that maternal way.

I’m so thankful for my Mrs. Alicia and sincerely hope you find yours, too.

For Natalie’s News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

Relay for Life

Some of you may know this but cancer reared it's ugly (ummm ugly is not cutting it..I'm thinking pimply infested, bad face job, 30 years of tanning bed paired with a meth addiction is more appropriate) face in our life recently. There are the very feelings that come with this blow but then there are some that I didn't realize I would have.

WHAT CAN I DO? 

It's so frustrating. You can be supportive, try to be fun, etc. But I want to do something that will change this..for the positive. Surprisingly, being a musician, I have no research, skills, or knowledge to add to the cause. (I know, cray) A lot of friends have been inspirational, like Kimmie who donated all her hair, and Jenna who is involved with Susan B. Komen,  and countless others who share their time and talents and I still felt like I had nothing to do. I wanted something I could do now was kind of frustrated. Honestly, I needed a project so I could feel like I was contributing in some way and not sitting idely. People deal in different ways and I attribute my "have to do something" to my Mom's countless "buck up and do" speeches. Anyway, while not doing anything one day I saw this facebook status from high school bud.

Ok friends mark your calendar for May 4th its Williamson County Relay for Life, come support American Cancer Society message me for more details.

I didn't know just tons about it but I messaged her and am now the proud team leader of the BHS team. Woot. We relay May 4th and I would LOVE and of your support possible. If you can join the team or donate in any way, I would greatly appreciate it. I have fabulous friends and Jessica  has already offered to have some sort of promotion with Stella and Dot (more details laters).

But in the meantime...

Please visit....

My relay for life page

We are just in the beginning stages and I've just emailed my students, requested announcements, and am attempting to rally some troops. I think this is a great organization and selfishly a fabulous way to feel like I'm doing something productive.

"Hope has two beautiful daughters - their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are." - St. Augustine

Please consider helping if you can for a great cause! Any amount can go a long way.

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

Winning Wordless Wednesday

Okay, I'm crying uncle. So not really wordless Wednesday. How about a lame joke Wednesday?

What do cancer and state have in common?

They may beat us around this year but they'll never win the war.

(plus State folks will still be forced to wear camo wedding dresses)



So, I typed above camo wedding dress comment and then thought oh surely nothing like this actually exists but google image never disappoints and there were actually a plethora of State camo dress tragiedies to choose from.



Hate State and Cancer!

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

race for the cure

Today Jenna and I ran the Susan G Komen race for the cure 5k in Brentwood. This is the second year we have run the race together. The energy and positivity from the crowd was extremely encouraging and made me believe that one day in our lifetime we would have a cure! Aside from seeing survivors and getting a little high from running, the best part was seeing how creative people were with describing...well...you know.

Save the ta-tas!

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

A day in the life.

Today....

Pulled a metro and got frustrated at my students and told them to teach themselves and flipped them out so much many of them apologised for talking and thus realized I'm the luckiest person ever to teach where (can I count this as loving my job in 30 before 30? I think yes)  I do and that I can probably never pull that again this year.

No, not my actual students, I am not insane. ( and obvi mine would have better vowel placement than this...)

Found out that Mom has some chemo options and we will find out by Friday what her total plans are.

Ate BBQ provided by my sweet Uncle Ray. Almost am used to him being here and am sad that he will resume his normal life in Seattle tomorrow.

Came home to a sweet husband who (omg he will kill me for this) is dead set on doing everything for me and attempting to make me as happy as possible. (enjoy this pic snapped on one of our first dates on a party bus that we might or might not have jumped on acting like we knew the folks in the bus...no comment)

For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.

What a week

As I sit here drinking coffee, procrastinating a Saturday morning run with Kate, (we are still running after the half?! Should that make me skinny forever?!) I cannot help but be so reflective over this last week. Honestly this week has felt like years and my sweet family is a roller coaster of emotions. With that being said I honestly feel like I am the luckiest person in the entire world. Although we received news that makes me so sad at times my entire body hurts, I cannot stop thinking about how amazing my relationships with my sweet family are. How lucky am I that we have this powerful bond that bad news of any kind will not break.

We've decided have a positive while still acknowledging whatever we are feeling. Sorry to keep bragging but again one more reason that my family is phenomenal. My Mom said from the beginning, "don't hide your feelings, we've never done it before and we won't start doing it now". Knowing all of this makes me just want to work harder, pray harder, and research until my eyes are blurry. Next step is to get all kinds of opinions and options and for me to simmer enough to not sleep outside the door of a certain doctor who won't call my Mom back. (I've told her I have connections in a certain part of Nashville where people still owe me favors but she won't go for it...)

Although I usually don't like to force my views or practices on people (except for when you disagree with me because usually I'm right :) ) but please continue to pray for my family. I sincerely believe it is helping.

                           There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.

Proverbs 23:18

Hope

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope." Maya Angelou

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible" Christopher Reeves