1 year

So it's been a year. How? It's been a year since so much pain and suffering caused the most influential woman to be taken from us. A year since our worlds consisted of before and after. A year since all our lives were changed forever and truly I do not think we will recover. Go on, yes. Succeed, yes. Have very happy moments, days, exciting opportunities, yes. But recover, do you ever? I'm not sure if there will ever be a time in my life when I don't think of my Mom without a lump in my throat and a tear wanting to stream down my face that I'm fighting. Knowing that my Mom lived almost her entire life feeling this way about her Mother makes me feel for her in an entirely new way. 

I was recently telling Rebecca that I never went through all the stages of grief. I never had the bargaining or denial part after she died. Maybe while she was sick, but I think that was more hope. However, the other night I allowed my mind to wonder to places

 I usually don't. I thought about what we would do if we could just have one week. One well week. No cancer, just one week "the way things used to be". I imagined it with great detail. How Ben and I would allow Mom and Dad time alone first, then all hang out together and for her to get to hold little Austin. Of course a week would never be enough but it was nice and heart wrenching to let my mind wonder there. 

Jenna recently recommended that we write letters to her and let them go with helium balloons. I loved this idea and wanted to do it but timing never worked out with my family. I thought I'd write her a letter on my blog since she always was my number one reader. 

Dear Mom,

         I cannot believe I haven't talked to you in a year. I miss every moment with you but I wish nothing more to have seen you be a grandmother to Austin. I talk to him about his Mimi often and hope you can see and hear all he is doing. He is so busy, rolling over, scooting around, teething, etc. I cannot get over how fast everything is going. There were over a million times I wanted to call and talk to you about something regarding Austin. I also wanted to thank you for how awesome of a Mom you were to us. This is HARD and I hate I never got to tell you in person how much I appreciate all of the sacrifices and hard work you did for us! Thank you!
        I think of you every where I go. Wednesday I was in Macys and laughed and teared up a little when passing a certain dressing room that was host to many meltdowns attempting to find a dress for millions of dances. I still think of calling you daily to tell you something funny or just to say hi. You're on my mind all day long and I miss everything about you but mostly our friendship. You were so loyal, loving and fun.
          Whenever I'm really down or just missing you, I picture you hugging me in the living room at home. I can still feel your hug and smell you. Although it instantly makes me cry a little I always feel a little better. I can still feel you helping me regularly and while I do not know if that it's really you or just my desire to still feel you, I don't really care. I believe it's you just watching out for us, so thank you!
       I love you, Mom. There will never be enough words for me to describe that well enough. I miss you more than I thought possible and hope you are able to watch down on us.

      Miss and love you,
       Nat