Warning: this one is long and kind of sad, kind of not.
When I was younger I imagined all kind of things but very few of them had to do with having babies. I knew I wanted them at some point, some way, but it honestly wasn't a big goal of mine. I imagined singing in great concert halls, celebrating Christmas in Switzerland ( I have no idea why but this one was big from about 14-19) and traveling the world singing and loving life. Obviously, some things turned out differently. I figured out around 25 I did not have a bohemian soul. Although I wanted so desperately to make it work singing one trip really changed my life. I was auditioning for anything and everything in Manhattan and was so blasted broke. I ate.50 cent bagels constantly and one day between auditions I went and sat in a Macy's dressing room to take a break because I couldn't afford to do anything else. I was basically a squatter before I knew what that was. When I finally returned to Nashville, Kelly had to loan me a $20.00 because I literally didn't have the money for the flipping subway to get to the airport. I realized I couldn't do it. I wanted insurance, I wanted a regular paycheck, I wanted stability, and I wanted...normal. This was kind of a sad trip for me because I felt like I was letting go of a lifelong dream. Of course I could still sing but I realized I wouldn't make it my career. Yes it was my choice but it also felt like a failure. I knew deep down I didn't have it though. I didn't have the insides for that profession. One that requires you to have the utmost confidence while being told no constantly, a career where everyone you know has at least 1 master's degree and is still waiting tables, a career where it is normal to not have health insurance (at least it was at the time) and everyone really seems to be making it week to week. I just couldn't handle the thought of all of it. I remember thinking about how hard I worked during grad school and how I thought I had earned some place in life where I could eat more than .50 cent bagels for every meal.
So I turned to teaching. The first jobs were.. well you know but then I landed such an incredible job. Perfect? No, none are but I am beyond lucky to work where I do. In the middle there we got married, bought a house, traveled some, hung out with friends a lot, enjoyed life.
Then life changed in the worst way possible. My rock, center of our worlds, most incredible person in this entire universe got cancer. I won't go into the trials of it all because we already know them. We lost her to cancer and still the sun has never shown as brightly.
One of the biggest gifts I've ever been given was my gut. I just have feelings about things, people, situations, etc. When we knew we were expecting, I knew we needed to tell my Mom immediately. I know this seems like well duh, she's your Mom, but there was something so different about this feeling. We were only 5 weeks so I had a minute of wait what if something happens, my family doesn't need another thing to worry about but my gut said, go tell her now. We told her on a Friday after work at my parent's house. My parents and Ben were there and I brought this onesie and Mom opened it.
She was so happy, we all were:) but I saw sadness in her eyes. Of course no one would say it but we all felt sharp pain of the unfairness of the whole situation. I prayed constantly that she would get to meet our baby. Then I began some kind of bargaining...at least let her get to know what we are having, etc etc. We had a great day over there and I remember her texting me the next day "how you feeling little Momma?" I've never been so thankful that I just followed my gut because the following Tuesday she went into the hospital and died 9 days later. What a gift to be able to tell her about Austin in our home before we really knew what wait ahead.
2 days after her funeral Philip and I went to the 8 week appointment, almost a week late. We saw a very healthy tadpole, heartbeat, etc. I was so nervous I threw up on the side of 65 on the way there. I just kept remembering thinking I don't think I can handle anymore bad news.
As my pregnancy progressed I fixated on having a girl. I wanted a girl so badly so I could recreate the close relationship my Mom and I had. I would name her after Mom (Lauren, her first name) and we would be so close and it would help with healing. Now a little out of the grief fog I can think good Lord that's a lot of pressure to put on a baby and selfish much?! All about me, I think the Mom's job is supposed to be the opposite.
Well of course now we know the great news was...it's a boy! I was weird about it. I knew it was a boy. I knew one day walking in the park, I just knew. I also told Philip that our boy could be the baby Jesus in the pageant before we really knew, somehow I just knew but I didn't want to accept it. I wanted a girl. named Lauren. We would be close. The end. But we saw our bundle of joy and there was no mistake. All. flipping. boy. I didn't cry or anything but I just sat there... a boy? What was I do to do with a boy? He was healthy and I thought I needed to be grateful and felt a twinge guilty for my twisted emotions but there they were.
Later in the week I shamefully felt comfort in shopping because there were surprisingly a lot of cute boy clothes. Previously I found the perfect girl bedding and now with a boy on the way I fell in love with a transportation sheet and then planned everything around it.
Parts of being pregnant were hard. Not the obvious stuff like swollen ankles and stuff.. like missing my Mom so much it hurt but trying to remain positive and healthy for this little miracle.
As the day approached I will admit I was super nervous. Frankly I should have been. We were a mess for a good 6 weeks. I can remember so clearly one night standing in my living room crying with you because after God knows how long I could not do anything to make you happy. You were less than a week old and I can remember crying to my Mom, "I wish you were here, I just need help!" I just knew if she were alive she would have spent the night with us and I was there alone. That moment was just so grim and so sad I remember thinking that I might never be able to be successful at this whole Mom thing.
But with all of these struggles I have learned more than I thought possible. Of course I'm a teacher, I'll always value formal education but there is no way you can train for this thing. Motherhood is like some sort of battle but there isn't an enemy. This tiny being you just met somehow steals your heart, mind, and soul and there absolutely nothing a Mom wouldn't do for her baby. Are there hard moments? Oh Lord yes. Moments were I thought I was totally failing and I would have that awful kid nobody wanted coming around. And honestly, we still have them. But what have I gotten in return? Absolutely everything. The ability to love. I don't care how flipping cheesy that sounds it's the truth. I've found a new "career" (yes, I still have a job outside the home but you get my point) that challenges me constantly and I actually look forward to. Never have a researched more, tried new tactics, etc. than I have for this job. Frankly, I found further purpose.
Truth be told, Austin saved me. The pain of losing your Mom when she was only 53 is maddening. I know people who have had it worse so I'm not trying to be a poor, pitiful me or anything but it really is. Austin saved me and my family. What a gift to celebrate this innocent baby with a grieving family. What a gift that my Mom lives on in me every time I think, "what would my mom do?". What a joy it is to see my Dad and brother play with Austin with such love in their eyes. It's the most magical and honorable gift ever to be a Mom. I am proud to be a Mom and am eager to work as hard as possible to do whatever it take to succeed. I know I will fail often but it's a marathon not a sprint, right?
It's so bizarre how life takes you different places. 10 years ago I semi-entertained the idea of kids and now having him is by far the best thing I've ever done with my life. I couldn't be more grateful for this child that calls me ma-ma and for my own Mother for showing me the way. As we approach the one year mark I am terrified of how fast this year has gone. It used to get on my nerves while I was in the no sleeping, constantly being peed and pooped on stage when people talked of the early days with some sort of hazy romanticism, but oh my gosh, I'd go through it all again. I mean if we are talking time travel now, I'd rather pick and choose but if it was all or nothing I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Even those awful hours in the hospital when you screamed for 4 hours strait because you had stuff in your lungs or on your third day when you screamed until you finally pooped. I mean all of it. The good, bad and ugly, I'd do over again and again because kid I'm so in love with you it hurts.
I owe you everything we are and have, you've changed our lives in so many ways, all for the better. I can't imagine my life without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
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