One year ago seems like yesterday. This week has been weighing heavily on me a lot. I keep feeling the need to document it. I don't see how I could ever forget any detail from last year but I feel the need to write it down for some reason. Of course this is all from my point of view so I feel a bit selfish like I'm not presenting it fairly, but it's all I know.
Last year at this time I was embarking on my first concert as a high school choir director. To say I was nervous is quite the understatement. I knew nothing of sound and lighting equipment, choir formations, and entertaining parents who actually attended concerts. My Mom had not been feeling well for a while and she was admitted to the hospital. She called me multiple times and said she was going to have her gallbladder removed, it was a relatively easy procedure and she would be out after the weekend. They felt terribly that they could not come to the concert and my Mom even cried on the phone. The concert was okay, a lot of really sweet friends came and I learned a lot.
Friday I was supposed to go to a wedding for friends John and Ryan in D.C. I remember talking to Dad and asking if I should still go and he kept saying yes, she would be better very soon and that I should still go. I caught an early flight to D.C. and had a marvelous time at their wedding. Everything single detail was perfect. We had so much fun and I laughed all weekend long. I kept in contact with Dad and he kept saying Mom was doing okay and they were running tests. By Saturday I was itching to get home and see Mom. I knew by the time I got home there would be a reason for her feeling badly.
I got on the flight home on Sunday and for the first time ever puked on the plane. I usually don't get motion sickness but I did that day. It was even worse because half of the flight was service men and women coming home. They were all so excited and sweet and kept offering to pay people to use their phones. Of course nobody took their money and let them call loved ones to say they were about to take off. What a welcome home. I puked (a lot) right when we were landing and it was just awful. I just hung my head and never made eye contact with any of them. The flight attendant came back and was incredibly sweet. She said, "oh my gosh, honey!" and immediately began helping me clean my nasty clothes. Even the pilot came out and apologized and I felt so badly because it wasn't his fault. I was so embarrassed, I couldn't wait to get off the plane.
Before the epic flight, I talked with my parents and my Mom was allowed to go home. I was thrilled. She said she missed us and wanted us to come over. We were going to go there right after I landed but P said I smelled "pukey" so we went home and I bathed and changed.
We arrived and they were sweet. Ben came home from college and we were all just hanging out like normal. I told them about my epic flight and we were all laughing etc. and then life changed forever. Mom was sitting in her normal spot on the couch and I was in the middle and Ben was on the right. She was looked us in the face and said she had cancer. It was very advanced and there were not tons of options but she was going to do everything possible to fight it. She didn't shed a tear in front of us and immediately we turned to mush. She was so sweet and kept apologizing to P because she was sorry he was going to have to do this again. I don't know how long we cried. It felt like forever and then no time all at the same time. She just kept comforting us and it really was all about us and how we were feeling. I remember feeling badly because this news was about HER and all I could do was sob and she was taking care of me! It should be the other way around!
I know this sounds so stupid but I kept thinking of how I wish I hadn't led with that stupid puke story. Clearly there were more important things going on and I was blabbing about puking on a plane and "how awful" it was when Mom had been given such terrible news. But that's how naive we all were. Mom is the strongest person I've ever known. She seemed invincible and the idea of her having something so serious was just out of my realm of thinking.
It's such a strange range of emotions when you get news like that. At first it was the first obvious breakdown. I wanted to shake myself and wake up from this awful nightmare. Then within an hour I was faking a trip to the bathroom to research treatment options on my phone. As we were all hanging out we would try to lift each other's spirits but the haunting heaviness of this news was too thick. The boys went somewhere (see, I guess I'm already forgetting stuff) and I asked her personally...so is there no hope? And she said, "no, no, there is hope. It will be difficult but I believe there is hope". We stayed over there and I think we ate but that is a blur too.
Finally P and I came home and I felt a cross between sinking into our couch and never getting up and driving back over to our house and getting in bed with Mom and never leaving. Half of me wanting to find my care bear from my childhood and just pretend I was 6 and relive every minute with her again.
I cancelled our family's Oktoberfest and immediately I began getting texts and calls asking why this big event was cancelled! That made it feel more real. People knowing. Again, such weird things you think about but I remember thinking about the clothes I was wearing and how I could never wear them again and honestly I haven't.
Everything became before that minute and then after. Life never was and never will be the same.
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