back in the hood

So after writing the perfect neighborhood I began thinking, even in my wildest dreams I know I could not really receive such a perfect neighborhood. Even if all those famous folks did live next to me, I'm sure they all contain some jaded quirks that come from a life time of stardom. Just think...I bet Anderson Cooper is a total neat freak and has annoying little yuppie dogs that bark constantly. Knowing that nobody..not even the rich and famous could live in nirvana it made me start thinking of the worst neighborhood. Who would be the worst neighbors ever? No fear, I found them.

1. Barbara Walters: Do I even need to explain..okay I will. First of all, drop the accent. I'm not so sure why everyone gave Madonna such a hard time for her 3 year British accent because Barbara has been sporting some sort of accent or speech impediment forever. Wait, aren't you from AMERICA? Second, she thinks she knows all. I can barely watch her on anything. If she is conducting an interview she really tries to make everyone cry by asking the cheesiest questions and wrinkling that little nose. Yet she always talks so much the guest barely speaks. Lastly, no, not everyone loves or even likes you for that matter. But you are like the Don of television so everyone sucks up to you. I'm sure as a neighbor she would expect all of her "subjects" (ie. next store neighbors) to do all her lowly work for free like feed her annoying dogs with out pay while she goes out of town and then I just know she would not invite her neighbors to her big parties because none of us have met any royalty or the Dalia Lama.

2. Alex and Simon from Bravo's The Real Housewives of NYC: If you watch this show at all you know that this couple is the biggest bunch of wanna be's ever in America. They are totally new money folks and that is just fine, if you just own it. If I ever have a ton of money, I will be new money too but I just hope I have enough class to still be me and not try to be some impostor sporting my pink pants and matching pink shoes (yes that was Simon, the husband). These wanna be socialites constantly name drop and ache to climb the social latter while people laugh at them often at their faces. Rarely I have a tender feeling toward them because they seem to have no purpose but then seeing their terribly behaved children with awful and equally contrived names just makes me frustrated all over again. (ps their children's names are Francois and Johann...yeah life at school will be awesome for those kids..I just hope they either get into the theater clique quickly who often accepts odd balls or they are just huge and can destroy anyone..that's their only hope!)

3. Michael Jackson: Oh where to start, this could be a thesis so I'll just list...the kid's name is Blanket, they wear masks, he is insane, he held his baby over a balcony, his fascination with the little boys is disgusting, the insane Asian fans on the street near your house ruining your cook out would be maddening, his chin, his nose...I couldn't handle it.

4. Whitney Houston: Oh, oh Whitney. I used to LOVE old school Whitney when I was young and really looked up to her and one day aspired to be just like bouncy, beautiful Whitney. Boy, that changed. Bobby and the drugs really took that star on a tour of crazy town. We thought Brittney was bad? At least her crazy faze was only a year or so. Whitney has been off the rocker pushing 15 years now. I know she has dumped Bobby but I just know the crack is wack Whitney is bound to make a come back. Soon enough she'll have another religious awakening in some body of water and the media will be there in a heart beat. If she was your neighbor she would probably mistake your pool for the "enlightening water" and decide to devote her life to whoever she can pronounce that day in your back yard. Although this would provide insane stories for the rest of your life, you and I would much rather this happen to a friend and not at your own house.

5. Rush Limbaugh: Rub a dub dub, lets take some pills in this tub and then condemn the rest of the country for being immoral. I know as a neighbor good ol' Rush would be tanked up on one of his "pain pills" and see one of my Obama signs and set my house on fire. Better yet he would get some church to come and stage an intervention on my front lawn. Then once he gets caught again he will be on house arrest and have to do that awful excuse for a radio show from home and then all his guests would have to share the road with you. That is the real reason for the housing crisis.

So you see, no matter where you live it could always be a lot worse. Thank God this imaginary crazy town does not exist....yet. Have a great weekend! For Natalie's News this has been Natalie-Corinne.