Google search anything about being a busy or working Mom and you'll find a vast array of women looking very frazzled and insane.
For the record, I think every Mother is a "working" Mom, the location just changes :)
I realized early on I couldn't be a stay at home Mom. I really enjoy working out of the home and love my job. However, I've gotten very, very used to being home with Austin. At the beginning of the summer I kind of went nuts. He was teething so a tad bit more difficult but I was in a weird, desperate, awful mood for a week. I remember feeling so alone and depressed with how little I was getting "done". But then we got into a groove. I can predict when he gets up, go out very easily, lunch with the best of ladies, walk almost daily and enjoy my boy. I look forward to him getting up from his nap and seeing his huge "wake up" smile, snuggling, singing, reading, making crazy noises, everything.. well almost everything is really fun.
This week I have been at the Tennessee Arts Academy at Belmont University. It reminds me of being in college, we are in class from 8-5 and I'm in a chorale, theory classes, choral methods, relaxation techniques, etc. I've learned a lot and glad I went, however... I have to be there at 8 which means I leave our house 7:15. Austin wakes up around 6:40 so I barely see him. Leaving at 5 puts me in the worst traffic. I've been lucky to pick him up at 5:45. Just in time to feed him, bathe him and put him to bed at 6:30. Each day I've seen him for an hour, sometimes less and it has been total hell. I feel like I'm missing everything and am starting to take anything and everything the wrong way. I feel like I'm being replaced and have cried almost every day.
Logically, I know it's only a week and I'll have 2 weeks of summer left before I go back but it is just hard to believe I'll not get to be with my love all day. I realize I actually want to work but I think this is part of that balance or lack there of that everyone is talking about. Whatever decision you make for your family, it is always difficult and I do not believe anyone feels 100% satisfied, complete, certain any of the time. You always hear about how fast things go but that doesn't make sense until you realize how fast things go. Like how is this child almost 6 months old? I feel like we just had him. Everything is going by like a blur and I'm starting to realize just how special and precious every day truly is.
A lot of times I fantasize about having one of those careers with " a flexible schedule" that you can make your own hours. Recently, Austin had his 6 month photos done (3 weeks early I might add!) and I have to say I was secretly a little jealous of the photographer. She and her husband both have successful careers where they can somewhat make their own hours and enjoy the fruit of their hard outside the house labor while still getting to go to the pool during the day. The fact of the matter is that P nor I have are in those types of careers. That's okay, it's just how it is. I'm lucky to have an awesome job that I love and I'll leave it at that.
I don't have an answer for all of this but I think this is the "balance" everyone is always talking about. Now I realize how unattainable it is I want to punch the guy in the face who started this craze. I don't ever believe everything will ever be in a perfect balance. Something will always be neglected. The degree of that neglect can vary but it will never be perfect (in this house anyway) and I'm not ready to say that's okay but for now that's reality.
I'll probably always feel a twinge of guilt about damn near everything and maybe that's just a part of being a Mom. I don't know, I'm still claiming rookie status on this one.
For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.
2 comments:
While you are still a rookie, you are wise beyond your years. You WILL always have guilt, deserved and undeserved. I still have it with 2 grown ones and 1 nearly grown one. Mothers take on all the guilt and have since the beginning of time. Another thing that might make you feel better is knowing that his schedule will not stay the same for long. If you want, you can change it a little so that he goes to bed later once school starts back so you and P will have more time with him. Even if it's just an hour later, you will feel better getting to have him awake with you while you have dinner in the evening. You are a WONDERFUL mom. That is the one thing to cling to, because it's really true, and change is the one thing that you can count on when it comes to kids and, well, everything else in life. Hang in there because I promise you will get through this and you'll look back come Sept. and think, "Yeah, I'm doing this!" Love you!!
thank you so much, Shari! You are too sweet. I think so many Moms feel this way and I've heard people talk about it but I never understood it before!
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