No one, I mean no one will replace you loved one. Everywhere and all day you will be reminded of your loss and your heart will be tugged over the most random situations. No one will ever be able to replace or become your “mom” or whomever you lost, however…sometimes a person is sent who becomes a close second.
My Mom would always do the most thoughtful and quiet things for her loved ones. Even though I’m approaching 30, she would always buy me a small “going back to school” present, like a plant for my room, a flameless candle, etc. She would also spend countless hours helping me “prepare”. After getting my first “big girl” job, she drove down to Oxford and spent the night. We went to Walmart and bought all the cleaning supplies we thought we would need and she brought amazing music posters, a glue gun and sticks, and everything she could envision needing. As we arrived and the vice principal walked us down to my new room (which didn’t have air conditioning… in July… in Mississippi) we were shocked when we looked around. The previous teacher had not cleaned… anything! Every single paper, binder, post-it, etc. was all still there. The vice principal left and as I wanted to cry because of the mess, Mom cried and said, “oh I’m so proud of you” and gave me a huge hug. Immediately, I made myself “buck up” and we just looked… what to do first? Go to Chilli’s. It was lunch time anyway and we needed a plan..and another trip to Wal-Mart.
We went to Chili’s in Batesville with a notepad and made a list of what more things we needed (approximately 50 trash bags…not exaggerating), enough cleaning supplies to disinfect a fraternity house, and even more sticky stuff to cover the gross pee colored walls. We began cleaning and throwing away mountains of old stuff. I thought we would literally never get done. As soon as one project, like cleaning out 50 folders that all contained the entire previous year’s work (plus an amazing number of middle school notes, and a list of current couples…record keeping is extremely important in middle school) we would feel some sense of accomplishment and then BAM! another mountain of work. Finally we got to a point (after 10 hours) of total heat exhaustion and dust overload that we were done (the principal kept “checking” aka hinting we should leave over the intercom, “Ladies we are all heading out for the day..You’ll have time to work on your room when school starts” “NOT WITH MY MOMMA” I thought! So we stayed with the custodians.) The room looked AMAZING and we had both lost around 10lbs of water weight because of how flipping hot it was. I was so proud of it and I only had to finish my wall of Mississippi Musicians.
Later that night we went to a Mexican restaurant and both had a well deserved margarita and made it an early night. My Mom always and I mean always could make a game plan. There was no problem too big for her to divide and conquer. Even in hospice care on the last couple of days she was attempting to make charts of the nursing rotation so she could feel more in control of who was providing care.
Since then I’ve missed the little things the most. When July rolled around, I dreaded going to my classroom for many reasons. One the air was broken. (how does this always happen?... I think they turn off the air to save money but good Lord, someone has to realize rooms aren’t put together in the literal day before school begins…these are the same people who determined that teachers quit getting paid 10 minutes after the last bell of the day. Clearly we always leave then..I hope you’re picking up on the sarcasm. One day last week, I left at 3:30 and I thought omg I’m leaving so early and then realized I still worked 1.5 hours for free and that was the lightest day in FOREVER… but I digress) Two, I was still in the hiding pregnancy phase which was accompanied by severe exhaustion and nausea, but most importantly, it was hard knowing that my Mom wouldn’t be with me. The year before she once again she spent countless hours organizing years of choral music, t-shirts from literally 10 years and older (one box contained a dead mouse head), and hundreds of trophies to clean. Since I wasn’t a new teacher to this school, I knew there wasn’t as much to do, but just knowing she wouldn’t be there with me was so difficult.
Sometimes, people will offer to help, but at times I feel if it can’t be my Mom, I would rather just do it alone. Shopping, pedicures, even cleaning my classroom all have so many memories with my Mom. Sometimes I can make myself do these things with other but often, I just feel like I should do things by myself to avoid being sad.
That is until Mrs. Alicia enters the picture. She was my Mom’s best friend and although they look very different and of course Mrs. Alicia has her family and is not my Mom, however, so many of our family memories include Mrs. Alicia and her family. I feel comfortable with her and am able to say I like or dislike something, and she is so thoughtful.
She really is the one person (excluding my brother, Dad and P) that I feel I can be completely honest with. And honestly, I couldn’t be luckier with them, but there is something about a girl sometimes needing another girl. I can tell her if I am sad, I can say what I am really thinking... about anything. After you lose someone, people are really supportive for about 2 weeks and then people get busy. It’s just the way life is. Friends get busy, and life happens. It’s nothing personal, but you can’t help but feel lonely. Mrs. Alicia has literally been that one person who I feel is 100% supportive, has no agenda, and is close to my Mom that can be. She helped redecorate my classroom in July (with Ben) and always asks me questions about little things, like my Mom did. “Have your boxes for the choral library come in yet? Did they ever get under your risers? “I don’t think I have anyone else in my life is so concerned with my little boring things that most people are too busy for. Saturday we went to get a pedicure and lunch and she gave me this little water cozie for my classroom. It’s small, adorable and so something my Mom would have done. It’s not all about getting things. I can clearly buy myself a water cozie. It’s the thoughtfulness of it all. It’s a small “happy” with a purpose and a surprise.
I hope everyone who loses someone has a Mrs. Alicia. No one can ever replace your loved one and deep down, I don’t want anyone to replace Mom. She was one of a kind and I will always place her on the pedestal that she deserves. At times, I want to isolate my feelings and just bulldoze my way. I’ll start feeling lonely and sad and make a plan of how to do it all and just keep going. Then I’m reminded that it’s okay to feel this way and to accept help or just comfort. Sometimes I’m so sad it hurts to breathe, however having Mrs. Alicia in my life makes things bearable and reminds me of what it feels like to be cared for in that maternal way.
I’m so thankful for my Mrs. Alicia and sincerely hope you find yours, too.
For Natalie’s News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.
