I know transitions are hard but lately I fel like I might have met my match. Whenever I have these thoughts my other self ( aheemmm...perhaps this is the problem.. apparently I am Sybil) you basically worked in a jail, kids threw food at you, turned over bookshelves and filing cabinets, you can take these kids. But this is so different. I can feel the judgement from students constantly and I feel like I am never good enough. Friday we completed our first performance as a choir and we survived...:) One of the top choirs always sings the national anthem at the home football games. We rehearsed and sounded really great. I asked questions about what time to arive at the game, etc from other teachers, vice principals, etc, thought I had done all the right things. We get to the game around 7:05, the game wasn't until 7:30 but I was told to be there early b/c we sang around 7:15. Okay, great. Well we wait, and wait. I hear students saying things like, "why are we here so early?" and "this is ridiculous" etc. In a way I know what they were thinking and I remember thinking similar things about my former directors. I also wanted to smack their cute little, perfect teeth, faces and tell them not everything is under my control. So anyway, a student from tv pro comes and tells me he will be holding the microphone. I thought the microphone looked a little odd but since I am so illiterate about anything involving technology I took his word on it. Thank God someone had a question for me in the sound booth b/c as I was up there talking to him someone asked, aren't you planning on using a microphone and I said, "yes he has it" and this random angel said, "oh, no that is for tv pro". I looked at the student with the most wtf/teacher face possible which he responds with, "oh, sorry". It was a mistake but I almost had a panic attack thinking what if I hadn't come up
here. So as I'm up in the sound booth I see my choir going on the track...with. out. me. ummm???? The sound people keep wanting to talk to me but I say um, I've got to go, I have no idea where my choir is going. Another teacher thought they were going to be late so she ushered them onto the track...so we could wait another 10 minutes and the students could laugh about how awkward we seemed. I was sweating bullets. Finally we sang, and I thought they sounded really nice. According to people in the crowds, the sound was awful. Great. Not really the response I was hoping for on my first directing debut honestly I had to choke down tears. I know I can rationalize all of this in my head, I am not responsible for the sound, I came to the game when I was told to come, my students are teenagers, etc. But I have to admit I am not good at brushing this kind of stuff off and I MUST get better if I want to survive. Oh, I almost forgot they introduced me with my maiden last name which was awkward. "BOTTOMS?" Who is that? Why did they say that? etc.etc from my new students. I wanted to collapse inside but right after all of that I talked to my principal and he said "congratulations! they sounded great!" He has admitted several times knowing nothing about music but just hearing something positive from someone made me tear up! Finally it hit me that the only one stressing this much over all of this is...ME! Sure the students are going to talk about me but I don't think anyone has ever been in a choir (sport, group, etc) and NOT talked about their director or coach. It's going to happen, right? In my previous jobs I've found ways to cope...laugh things off, do stuff I enjoy, etc and I just haven't felt like doing anything. I am constantly thinking about work...staying late, coming in really early, working when I get home, and literally dreaming about it. I just don't really feel like myself and feel super isolated. I don't really see any adults at work and haven't hung out with friends in a while. I know things will get better, just a tough spot and if again my other self (scary!) would say hello? You've been there 2 weeks! I've got to get better about not over analyzing everything. Whenever another teacher or adult asks me, "how's it going" they always have this concerned look on their face and I'm left dwelling on what they might have heard, etc but I've just got to get over it. Sometimes it's hard to give yourself the buck up and do speech but I think one is definitely in order! I'm also being a wimp b/c I have a cold and being sickly on a weekend is just insulting.
here. So as I'm up in the sound booth I see my choir going on the track...with. out. me. ummm???? The sound people keep wanting to talk to me but I say um, I've got to go, I have no idea where my choir is going. Another teacher thought they were going to be late so she ushered them onto the track...so we could wait another 10 minutes and the students could laugh about how awkward we seemed. I was sweating bullets. Finally we sang, and I thought they sounded really nice. According to people in the crowds, the sound was awful. Great. Not really the response I was hoping for on my first directing debut honestly I had to choke down tears. I know I can rationalize all of this in my head, I am not responsible for the sound, I came to the game when I was told to come, my students are teenagers, etc. But I have to admit I am not good at brushing this kind of stuff off and I MUST get better if I want to survive. Oh, I almost forgot they introduced me with my maiden last name which was awkward. "BOTTOMS?" Who is that? Why did they say that? etc.etc from my new students. I wanted to collapse inside but right after all of that I talked to my principal and he said "congratulations! they sounded great!" He has admitted several times knowing nothing about music but just hearing something positive from someone made me tear up! Finally it hit me that the only one stressing this much over all of this is...ME! Sure the students are going to talk about me but I don't think anyone has ever been in a choir (sport, group, etc) and NOT talked about their director or coach. It's going to happen, right? In my previous jobs I've found ways to cope...laugh things off, do stuff I enjoy, etc and I just haven't felt like doing anything. I am constantly thinking about work...staying late, coming in really early, working when I get home, and literally dreaming about it. I just don't really feel like myself and feel super isolated. I don't really see any adults at work and haven't hung out with friends in a while. I know things will get better, just a tough spot and if again my other self (scary!) would say hello? You've been there 2 weeks! I've got to get better about not over analyzing everything. Whenever another teacher or adult asks me, "how's it going" they always have this concerned look on their face and I'm left dwelling on what they might have heard, etc but I've just got to get over it. Sometimes it's hard to give yourself the buck up and do speech but I think one is definitely in order! I'm also being a wimp b/c I have a cold and being sickly on a weekend is just insulting. Ugh, okay, totally over this pity party. I promise upcoming posts will be positive. I guess I'm about 7 years late to the Chuck Norris bandwagon but I guess everyone needs a role model!
For Natalie's News this has been, Natalie-Corinne.
1 comment:
Have you forgotten the most important musical number ever written????? Don't make me go all Julie Andrews "I am confidence" and "When the dog bites, when the kids are mean, when the sound of the choir sucks... I simply remember a few of my favorite things!"
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